A's Insight into a world of Confusion

Solitude Sunday

2011-02-13T13:24:00.001-05:00

Weak inside I come to be rejuvenated. Confused I come here for answers. I look out and Your beauty binds my eyes closed. I sit blindly waiting for You to speak, waiting for Your peace to calm my restless spirit. I call out and You answer, You come to my rescue. I so desperately want to be where You are. No sooner are these words thought, when Your grace pours over me, through the walls and into my soul. Through You I feel peace again. Through these words I offer myself completely to You.

In my life be lifted high!

In my world be lifted high!

In my love be lifted high!

My Prayer

2010-09-18T22:09:00.000-04:00

Behind closed doors I call out to You. With closed eyes I seek You. Hands open I feel You. It is time, time to travel to the hurting, the broken spirited, the discouraged. Enter as only You can, enter directly into the heart. Like the loving father who embraces his child with soft comforting hands, penetrate deep inside cradle these hearts that You have created. Let them feel You, let them be loved.

Moving On

2010-08-18T22:33:00.003-04:00

I take a deep breath and remember what it felt like to be gasping for air. I lace up my boots and look back to when I could see bare feet walking across jagged rocks. I slip on my coat and think back to when I was cold and helpless. I look into the mirror and see a face, older then I remember, worn by many travels, heartbreaks, laughs, and meaningful conversations. I focus in on the eyes and can't help but remember a time when I saw unselfish love, viewed pain, witnessed strength, and felt hope. I reach for the door, on the other side lies another journey, more experiences and soon to me memories like these.

Parking Garage Prayer

2010-08-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

Each time someone one walks across this bridge alone, reveal to them that You have not forgotten. Each time someone walks this campus and feels homesick, show them that You love. Each time someone looks at the lake, show them that Your beauty is endless. Each time a student tries to find a parking spot and there are none, show them that You are patient. Each time a group gathers on this campus, show them what it feels like to have community with You.

Airport Terminal

2010-05-20T22:16:00.000-04:00

Standing headphones in the music plays as I survey the scene. Waiting in the line ahead I see a young couple. She leans in and slides her head up his shoulder, eyes fully locked on the one she loves. As her nose meets his neck I cant help but remember you. How you looked at me, how when you were with me everyone disappeared, how you were to short to reach my lips so you pulled me down to you. The song changes, I am brought back to reality, its time to board the plane.

Underneath It All

2010-05-20T16:07:00.000-04:00

Escaping I search for You. I weave in and out increasing my speed with each heart beat, that beats for You. I arrive and open the gate looking down into the glassy mist I jump. Underneath it all I feel alive, my eyes are closed yet I can see the suns rays shine down and warm my body bringing peace to my soul. You are all around me and I feel safe. Down here I move freely like the strumming of a guitar my body moves back and forth as I rise to the surface for a breath of air. As I climb up the ladder and step out of the water, I am leaving more then just a swimming pool, I leave another experience with the one who loves.

Flip the Page

2010-02-17T19:31:00.002-05:00

Dancing around in my head I battle as the beats get dropped. I try and synchronize my thoughts to the words spoken but not said. I wish I could tell you it wasn't your fault, I pushed and you wouldn't go, so I pushed some more, not wanting you to go. Why do I do this, this I am not sure, Is it the past that haunts, that causes me to fear, that stops me from loving past this certain point?

Lay Your Healing Hands On Me

2010-02-03T19:24:00.001-05:00

Woman wanders the strip unsure, lost, searching, looking for a glimpse of hope. Lay Your healing hands on her. Man speaks loudly, working late tonight much like every night, trying to delay his trip home where he will be alone, always alone. Lay Your healing hands on him. A couple exits the car smiling, laughing, interwound in conversation, so that the rest of the world ceases to exist. Lay Your healing hands on them.

Pier Memories

2010-01-30T19:18:00.001-05:00

I sit and listen, one ear hears music the sweet sound of two in perfect harmony, the other listens to the leaves brushing against the hard concrete as the wind carries them away. When the ear listens the mind wanders, back to a time when the night was just right, the moon out in full, lighting the vastness of the ocean, feet immersed in the cold soft sand, heart warmed by one embracing me tightly. For this I am thankful, to the One who created it all.

Moved by Compassion

2010-01-25T21:20:00.002-05:00

You speak into my mind, touch my heart, and open my soul. You paint pictures by telling stories so that I may see that all along it was You. You were the painter, the author, the main character and the answer. You were the path, the father that felt compassion, the one who continually grieves for those that do not know. As a tear rolls down, I begin to understand, I begin to change, may this transformation continue to shape, that I may grieve the way you grieve for those whom are lost, that you desperately want found.

Christmas Past

2009-12-26T09:40:00.004-05:00

Sitting on the back porch before all have awoke, I find peace in the coldness that ushers its way through the screen door. I find myself reflecting on where I was a year ago, who I was, and wondering if any changes have been made. As I take a sip the warmness moves down my throat and takes rest inside me. You say by standing firm you will gain life. I don't know for how long, but for now those words will permeate in my mind, hoping they will move their way into my heart, so the who I am now may be different from the who I am a year from now.

Stoplight Memories

2009-12-21T21:32:00.000-05:00

Stopped at the light the cars pass by followed by the memories. The memories are the last of what I have of you, what I wish I could forget, but what I fear will never leave. What was once taken for granted is missed the most. What was once felt for you, you feel for someone else, and that someone else feels for yet another. The heart is confused and knows not where to turn, hurt in the past and fearful of the future, wanting to be loved and yet guarded so that it can't.

How Can You Feel Anymore

2009-12-07T19:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when the moment is just right, I close my eyes and can see myself drifting away, separating from this body, The body that I've spent so much time maintaining, the body that I am never satisfied with. I can see my body like roots withering away and what is unleashed is something special, something real, something true. It's me. The me that never wanted to harm or hurt you, the me who wants nothing more to love and be loved.

Dark Wave

2009-11-23T19:53:00.002-05:00

Wrapped up the softness of the beds suede comforter protects me from the coldness of the blowing fan. Darkness surrounds me, I envision myself at the bottom of the ocean after being taken under by a giant wave. I wrestle with what is reality and with what I want reality to be. I'm not sure I want to go back. Don't turn on the light, can't I just stay here a little longer.

Incomplete Thoughts From An Incomplete Man

2009-11-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

I pick up this pen and the ink hits the paper, not because I have anything to write, but because I must write everything. As I look around I see the the steam rise over a vast field during a hot summer day, straight ahead I find a sunset spreading what's left of its rays across the vast ocean. And still surround by all this beauty I find myself wondering why I feel incomplete. Its not until I let go of myself that these mere pictures hanging on the walls can take on their true shape and meaning. It's not until I give up those wants that I can truly live.

Saturday Afternoon

2009-11-14T17:48:00.000-05:00

My feet are tired, I have been wandering for a long time. A few years here, a couple more there, I have never seemed to find home. I sit down now reclined in this soft chair and run my fingers down its armrest as the music echos in the background. My senses are awakened as the aroma of freshly ground coffee escapes behind the counter and out the open door into the busy street, where the palm fronds wave back to me. Some people find beauty in music, some in perfectly painted landscapes, others in well constructed words, but me I find it in people. Not that I don't find beauty in all the above mentioned, cause I do. I just tend to agree with what lead me to spirituality. The desire to believe I was human and that by being human mattered.

Take Off

2009-10-21T17:43:00.000-04:00

Take off, we rise. I slip my headphones in and I begin to drift away. The music begins to flow into my ears as my head nods in agreement to the words being sang. I smile when I think of You and how You loved me before I did anything, before I was. Not because of the way I make you feel, but because of who I am and who You are.

7 mile Sunday

2009-09-20T08:30:00.003-04:00

The alarm goes off, I awake fatigued. The nights sleep was not sleep at all but a battle in the mind. Empty I awake, fullness is what I search for. I slip the shoes on, as each foot hits the pavement my mind wanders to ease the bodies pain. Where am I going? The path is familiar cause I have traveled it many times before. Sometimes with You sometimes without. Confused I think about last night and wonder what I gave up and what could have been. I have to keep running, faster, so I don't think about the past. As my feet stop moving you tap me on the arm and remind me why I am here, why I am doing what I do, and why I must continue on. Stay strong you say and I reply always.

Thankful

2009-09-07T08:54:00.000-04:00

How I am thankful, so very thankful. For You have transformed me, you continually change me. You faithfully chip away hardened deposits of pain and remorse that surround this heart. Because of grace I am beginning to understand, I am able to forgive and be forgiven. You draw me closer to You, closer to understanding.

Are You Ready

2009-08-23T21:07:00.003-04:00

Are you ready? Who defines you, who you are, how you feel, how you respond? Deep down lies a desire to be understood, to be known, to be significant. Where does this come from, are they just burning desires of the heart, or a simple confusion of the mind, or much more? Is there a clear cut path to understanding, or can these answers even be answered with knowledge alone? They are all around us, those who think these feelings should be filtered, sometimes suppressed or maybe even ignored. If this is done are you being true to yourself or are you just disregarding what you might not fully understand or want to understand? What is preventing you from searching for your identity, from finding your potential? Are you ready yet?

Day Dream

2009-08-13T21:00:00.000-04:00

Sitting on the bench, body fatigued, mind wandering, the scene appears. You approach, noses so close they almost touch, time freezes, background blurs, its just you and me. But this is only for a moment a brief moment. Time has now resumed and we begin to drift apart. I reach out and you follow, our fingers try an meet but they never do. The world has pulled us apart it has called this separation to occur. Back to reality, I stare in the mirror and try to understand, will we meet again, will it last.

Communion

2009-08-09T21:03:00.003-04:00

Drained I enter and sit down. It is not long before the words flow and meet me only where You can go, deep inside. I wait until everyone has gone to meet you at the table. I reach into the bowl and am drawn to the piece that is twisted, that is bent, that is not perfect. As I dip the piece it becomes covered, the imperfections can no longer be seen and I begin to be filled. The music starts and begins to flow through my veins which pumps out into my body to send me this feeling of euphoria I now write about. The Spirit has now taken control of my body and the words begin to flow out. The singing turns into a smile, a smile which has been long awaited.

Trust in Me

2009-08-03T16:43:00.003-04:00

Do you trust in me? Have I not supplied you with the clothes that now cover your back. Have I not rescued you time and time again, when you laid ashamed with your head faced down towards the ground. So why now do you think I am not big enough? How easily you forget how big I really am, what I have taken you from and where I plan for you to go. Trust Me.

Why Can't I Let You Go

2009-08-02T23:40:00.002-04:00

My hand reaches out but you are no longer there, my heart searches for its missing piece. Thoughts of hope run in my head, what I would give for one moment with you, for a day where our past was wiped clean where our hearts where let free, just you and me. Or am I just scared am I scared of knowing someone more then you, allowing someone to know more then you. Is it that I am scared to just let go.

The Way

2009-07-31T21:39:00.000-04:00

Shutting my eyes the piano plays the background music in my mind. I walk the streets, but they have changed, the people are moving in all different directions. I continue in the same direction, the same path, but as I turn the page the next looks nothing like the last, which differs from the very first. Ever since I met You I was changed my life took on a direction. So tonight I am thankful, so very thankful for You.

Goddaughter

2009-07-29T17:19:00.000-04:00

Seven months ago I sat at a table with you for the first time, I couldn't see but you were there, Seven hours ago I saw you for the first time when you entered this world weighing seven pounds and some odd ounces. Eyes clinched shut you searched for a voice, so I let my voice find you. Arms flaying you aimlessly grasped, so I let you cling onto my finger. You are so beautiful, so uniquely perfect.

A Refresher

2009-07-27T18:34:00.000-04:00

Its been a long time since I sat in the quietness. It is only now that I am allowing my true senses a chance to take over. The pen glides across the paper as the words flow from thought, shadows reach across the tile floor as a ray of sunlight seeps in. My toes are kept warm by my long haired companion, who lays asleep on the floor. Where has it gone, what has it been used for. I ask this about time, about life.

The Best Feeling

2009-06-21T18:06:00.003-04:00

I must pursue. My mind races sending a signal to my heart which begins to beat faster. I pursue, I will go, I am excited about the adventure that lies ahead of me. You have broken the chains, You have unleashed this wild heart, this heart that yearns for meaning, for adventure, that has a desire that can only be quenched by You and You alone.

Forever Changed

2009-06-14T19:24:00.005-04:00

I was taken to Haiti to learn not what I thought I might learn or how I thought I might learn it. When a young orphan takes your hand and smiles, when they stay by your side the whole day walking barefooted next to you never once complaining only looking into your eyes with complete trust, complete happiness. This is where Love can be found this is what Love looks like, to be without and be complete to not have yet have so much more. These are God's children. I will not leave you here, I will slumber no longer. I have been awakened to your design. You have molded me to whom I am in all my uniqueness. I rise to your call to your purpose.

Fairwell

2009-06-13T07:28:00.000-04:00

I hope out of bed to say the morning goodbyes, a handshake followed by a hug. A few words of encouragement and then they are off. Not many words may have been spoken this week, but a bond most won't understand was formed. For this I am thankful.

More than an Orphan

2009-06-12T12:37:00.001-04:00

I have to duck to enter the small chained door which leads down the narrow hallway opening to where I find you. You approach me wide eyes wearing an oversized shirt causing your shoulder to hang out. You reach out and grasp my hand, your whole hand fits into my palm. You grab a hold of my leg until I lift you into my arms, your head rests against my shoulder and in that moment I wonder what you are thinking. Everything else becomes background, but the moment you and I share.

The Mountain Experience

2009-06-11T20:04:00.000-04:00

What once stood so far away, now towers over us. The terrain is never the same and the path is not always clear, but our drive remains constant. With arms extended we are able to pass through the ravine. Foreign eyes glance us looks but are always followed with a smile and hello. What has become our adventure is their life. The thick grass that once covered the mountains base, has now turned to stone and gravel. Fighting for our footing we ascend one after the other. The walk turns into a run, we are so close. My body freezes I am there, I am free. Maker of this mountain please continue to show me the way.

Conversation

2009-06-10T21:28:00.000-04:00

It often comes without warning, sometimes from people you least expect it from, an old man on a bus, a college student in the kitchen, a friend on a hike. When a heart is opened, a person becomes vulnerable and truth can be revealed. You speak in many ways and I am just being to understand.

A Mornings Encouragement

2009-06-09T07:51:00.000-04:00

I sit perfectly still, eyes closed. The wind rushes down the mountain passing through my half awakened body. This in combination with the birds song, lets me know the day has begun, and as I open my eyes fully for the first time, the bright glow peering through the vast clouds reassures me of your presence.

Day Continued

2009-06-08T16:45:00.000-04:00

As one part of the day ends the next begins. Covered in dirt I am handed a bucket, one after another, until the roof is covered. I am encouraged by my brothers work, next to me, all around me, It fuels me to continue, to not let my tired body give into its urge to rest.

A Day Anointed

2009-06-08T08:27:00.000-04:00

Awakened by the mountain I rise, stiffened from the restless sleep the night before. I prepare my heart for the day, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I walk down the small corridor and enter the small room where the table lies in its center. The only air that enters comes from the small cracked window in the corner. I am handed a small yellow slip as the first patient enters. Peering into each of their eyes I begin to get a sense of their struggle, their hardship , the life that has hardened their exterior. As my translator interprets I realize these people are no different then us, in the end we are just people.

Service

2009-06-07T20:18:00.000-04:00

Under the large tin roof I sit, as these foreign words echo, my eyes focus on the words overhead. Their familiarity take me back to the first time, my first encounter, a time when things were different, a time when my life was different. When I mistook my desires for Gods, when all I wanted was you as a wife, to raise a family together. Now I find myself in a land where the simplest needs aren't met, where the basic amenities I have grown accustomed to can not be found. It is here, it is now that I am seeing your desires for my life.

Arrival

2009-06-07T16:04:00.000-04:00

With light brush strokes the white of the clouds are painted. Flying high above, my restless eyes gaze into the vastness of the sea. As we descend across the mist I begin to see the rugged terrain, far different from what I've grown accustomed to, shanties piled high on top of magnificant mountains. How my soul yearns to ascend those mountains. We land, I am here, The voice next to me says, "Welcome to Haiti", my journey continues.

How Big You Are

2009-06-01T23:44:00.003-04:00

I try and fit You in this box. I give You these parameters so that You may fit my lifestyle. You are so so much more, You succeed all my expectations You are far bigger then anything I could ever fathom, You could never fit into a box. You meet me where I am and encourage me to go further, You guide me by the hand when I am to weak, You mend my heart when it feels burdened. You give me hope that if its right for her return You will provide it. In You I trust, in You I love, in You I live.

The Endless Battle Inside the Mind

2009-05-29T17:29:00.006-04:00

As I write these words I wonder where you are now. I lay here and think, it should be you here next to me, it should be your arms wrapped around me. A year has passed since we have parted. "Its a shame it had to be this way, Its not enough to say I am sorry. Maybe I am to blame or maybe we're the same, but either way I can't breathe. All I had to say is goodbye, we are better off this way" and never again shall I hear from you, never again shall I hear your voice. After a year "I am still alive but I am losing my drive, because everything we have been through and everything about you seemed to be a lie, a guiltless twisted lie. It made me learn to hate you, or hate myself for letting it pass by." Why did it have to be this way, why couldn't you have just left with me that day, then maybe these nightmares might finally go away, Why couldn't you have just trusted in us and forever know

I Love You.

Born For You

2009-05-25T22:53:00.002-04:00

It is easy to think about today as just another day, oh how easy it is for me to get caught up with myself, my life, my story. Life is brief and sometimes even shorter then expected. Life was never about me, my life won't last forever, it will eventually come to an end, and when it does what will I have accomplished? I am but an extra in this movie, I was born to tell you I Love you and now I am torn to do what I have to. I am tired, so homesick now for someone I never knew, for some place I've never been, a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again. "I was born to tell you I Love you", and so let me point to you, let my life glorify you till I am brought back home.

Pulled out of the Thorns

2009-05-17T09:30:00.005-04:00

I sit still, very still, head in hands, face to the floor, deadened to you, cold to others. I have gone against you, I have hurt her, Why? Why have I separated myself from you, nothing I can do, nothing I can say will change this, helplessly I sit confused on what my next steps ought to be. Apart from you, apart from your direction I am nothing I am lost, I walk aimlessly, blindly. I slowly lift my head now thankful that you have pulled me out of these thorns. That you take away the pain, that you take away the guilt, that you have removed these thorns from my skin, the thorns, the lies, that want to destroy me. Now I get up and continue forward with my destiny.

A Mothers Day With The Father

2009-05-10T16:09:00.002-04:00

I can't control it any longer my body wants to explode. I am back at the edge of the mountain over looking the endless landscape as the wind moves through me. You move through me. What now I ask? I am here, I am ready. Where shall I go, what will I do? In that instance the light peers through the branches that arch over me and answers, you are here, you are doing, you are with me. That was it all along, do you see now. You opened my eyes you captured my heart. There is nothing in this world as beautiful as you. You are the greatest Love that anyone could ever know. And with all I am, I am with you.

Comfortable In Our Bondage

2009-05-07T23:15:00.003-04:00

How can I describe what I can not always see. Drifting in and out of consciousness you visit me, your eyes creep open like a blooming flower, your lashes make up the long petals which I follow to their very end. In you I find comfort, a sense of hope. In you I rest comfortable in my bondage.

A Life Recaptured

2009-05-06T22:44:00.002-04:00

As I turn my head I catch sight of you in the rearview mirror, she smiles and throws her arms around you. You both flirt back and forth, smiling, enjoying each other, oblivious to the world around you. A second glance revisited shows a deep discussion has set in. As you stare into her eyes she gazes back up to you, she leans in, the walls have fallen, she's letting you in she wants to be protected, she's asking you for something you aren't ready for now. As you put your arm around her shoulder tonight you agree to something you can't commit to, and therefore in the end a heart will be broken, little do you know it will be yours.

Flower Whispers to the Son

2009-05-04T18:18:00.002-04:00

I was but a small flower surrounded by the shadows of larger trees around me. I was left with tears running down my petals until I looked up to see you. You found me and casted down your light, drying my tears. You taught this small flower the meaning of Love and now I will look up to you the Son till the day I am no more.

A Sunsets Goodbye

2009-04-22T20:23:00.004-04:00

I rush out the door, I can't miss what's going to happen next. I have to say goodbye. I race down the busy streets, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding across the bridge, I arrive. I am there. Surrounded by others we say goodbye, we thank you for today and are satisfied, for now. As I stand on this beach, else where you stand and look at the same sunset ponder the same thought. I don't know the answer to our question, but soon, I hope soon, but until then we must enjoy this goodbye in order to await our first hello.

Stop to Think

2009-04-21T21:16:00.004-04:00

I stare across the room and pin point in on the small yellow dot, the dot expands and explodes, the color fills the room, the sunrise wakes me out of my daze. I can now see the whole room around me, the room that was once hidden by distraction, by selfish desire. Suddenly life seems so much larger. So I ask myself why? Why do I write? I write to free myself, to understand myself, to express myself, to share myself. The sun has now begun to set and the small yellow dot that once showed me the rest of the room, the rest of life, has now dropped into the sea forming small ripples which will turn into the waves that will crash over my feet, and shape the sand that surrounds me. Will I too be shaped, changed?

Easter

2009-04-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

I travel down the long dark all to familiar road once again. As I weave in and out of each lane trying to return home before the stroke of 11, I stop to think about the day which is about to come to a close, Easter. This day often characterized by young children running around searching for the easter eggs that have been hidden. They wear pastel colored dresses and slacks put on for an over crowded church service they attended earlier in the day. This is the Easter I once knew to exist, however as I sit at my grandma's table I notice some empty seats. No longer do I see my grandpa, my father, my best friend, a piece of me. I'm so tired, I'm tired of carrying all this guilt I'm tired of thinking I'm not good enough, I'm tired of thinking of failed relationships, I'm tired of beating myself up over the past, the what ifs of life. And thats just it, I don't have to carry this baggage, I don't have to because of this day called Easter. Someone loved me before I even knew who they were, they loved me for me, the me with all my imperfections, they loved me enough to sacrifice himself, to carry all my baggage for me, for you, for all of us, the baggage that we thought was to heavy to be carried. He took it, conquered and rose, so I could have this day called Easter. For this I take a deep breath let go and trust you with my life.

Who Is Yet To Be

2009-04-03T19:25:00.004-04:00

Face down my body lies motionless, but my mind runs ramped. Addiction digs its claws through my side trying to pull me towards my demise. Through the urge I see You. You come in many ways, many forms but none like this before. I peer into your face I lift you close to me. I cradle you in my arms, You stare back deep into my eyes, as to say you helped create me, I am a part of you. And it is because of you, the one that has yet to be born, that I will stay clean. Lord continue to give me the strength to fight so that I may continue to live.

Voice of Reason

2009-03-29T23:47:00.002-04:00

The folded paper, slips out of my hand as the wind picks up. It floats across the stage and down the stairs where it rests, waiting to be found waiting to be opened. I sit and day dream about things that have yet to happen, people whom I have yet to understand, conversations that have not occurred. I think of your voice, as it moves from your lips into the microphone, as it projects into the hearts of others, as it rests inside their hearts as it does mine. A seed has been planted I impatiently wait to discover what will grow, but I know I must not rush this, I must wait, I must seek what is right, what is pure, what is truth. So until the first fruit is bore, I will wait, I will day dream.

To Late

2009-03-28T16:03:00.002-04:00

I call but it's to late. Now I find myself jumbling my words on a voice recording. Why was it so hard to call? If I am honest, and I hate to admit it, its the past, the past that won't let go. The past whispers her deceptive lies in my ear. She tells me I'm not good enough, you will surely be rejected. Oh how I hate rejection, the truth is I have never fallen so hard, I can honestly say that never ever have I felt this way. But it is the fear that holds me here, stuck, frozen in time. When will I be thawed, When will I be healed, When will I be accepted for who I am, uniquely imperfect? As I wait I peer into the sky up above, through the clouds I search for your face, eagerly awaiting an answer. Then the words come, spoken softly at first then they erupt, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see". As the wind picks up the blades of grass nod in agreement to the words just sung.

Blessed

2009-03-23T21:05:00.002-04:00

I am unraveling, unbearably empty and if this ground gives way I just hope that you catch me. Your words come down placing your hands on my shoulders and let me know you were there. You came and saved me tonight saving all my life. Blessed am I that you have never left me. Blessed am I that you continue to love me, even when my evil desires turn to sin and my sin turns me cold. Blessed am I that you picked me up off the ground, that you warmed my heart, that you made me ready. I'm ready to persevere, I'm ready to receive your promise. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Humbled

2009-03-18T23:55:00.002-04:00

You can find me in the back. In front of me stands a large black table. On that table lies a group of pictures. Each picture tells an individual's story, the beginning, that has yet to be finished. One by one they approach the table. Each spoken to in a unique way, each demonstrating obedience to a calling greater then their own. They thumb through the photos and read each beginning, how might the end be written they must wonder to themselves. Little do they know the end has already been written and they have helped write it, in His love. As the music plays in the back drop I fight the tears that want to fall, tears not of pain, for I have been humbled. I write these words now, to preserve a feeling, a feeling I hope shall never be lost. May I continue to understand what it means to be humbled.

Honestly

2009-03-12T18:56:00.002-04:00

The young children splash cheerfully in the water as they enjoy the evening in the pool with their parents and grandma. I can't help help but think this is where I ought to be. Only if I were strong enough, only if I were the man I wanted to be, The man I am. A man that has accepted who he is and not what he hoped he was. Would we be living separate lives now, would you have continued to trust me, continued to respect me? I contemplate back and forth, blaming you and harboring anger, blaming myself and wondering what would have been. I want neither of these. I know I will survive and move on. But when, But when? Just as soon as the question enters my mind the answer meets my eyes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, ad the wisdom to know the difference."

A Revisited Memory

2009-03-09T23:03:00.005-04:00

I walk up the steps and enter the balcony, I glare at the image in the mirror, who is this I see? Who have I become? The face I see has endured so much over the past years, As I look deep into his eyes I see the pain although now deadened, still pain. Can this be replaced? Anger tries to slip in, your letters from long ago try and fill the void but only remind me that losing you, the only one whose ever known who I am, whom I'm not, and who I want to be is now gone. You are now gone. I walk down the steps, I walk away from my reflection. Its easy to say, yet so hard to do, but I just have to walk away, I must walk away. With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?

A Boys Love

2009-02-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

The young boy stands still as the world moves around him. The cities busy traffic, the nights bright lights, the harsh stares, the loving eyes, all of life continues to move forward. His past rolls through his mind like clips from a movie reel, each encounter he has had, each person he has shared life with, each person he loved, and all whom he let love him. To him people matter. As the boy stands still his surrounds change, his appearance changes, however one thing remains constant. The boys love for people, the boy refuses to give up love, because Love refuses to give him up, because Love came back for him.

Open to Answer

2009-02-25T22:33:00.000-05:00

There has to be more, I have always known there has to be more, I have felt it. Life is more then just a routine, I refuse to be complacent. Each joy must be celebrated, but why is it I feel it is important that we embrace the pain we feel, to really understand it. Why? Why must we go through this grievance, this suffering? Because it is said that, "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because He has poured out his love into our hearts, by the Spirit whom he has given us." And so it happened at just the right time, the perfect time, the only time, His time. Could it have been that this feeling was not just a feeling, but so much more, perhaps a Spirit one connected to those words just spoken, one that has grabbed my life and never let go, one that grabs yours, one that waits to be grabbed.

How Do I Say Thank You

2009-02-23T22:04:00.004-05:00

As the words scroll down the screen my voice utters out words to you, until the display projects, "your grace has overcome my brokenness" at that moment no words come, instead a tear, a single tear is shed, for you cease to amaze me. I am constantly blown away by your perfection, your love, your life. You give and give when I am to selfish to sacrifice just a little. How do I say Thank you?I smile as the piano plays in the background, I can't believe everything that has happened to me, I take a deep breath in, I breath it all in. Where would I be without you? You are the hope that I breath in, you are the everything, everything good in my life. You are, You are everything. Thank you.

A Mothers Love

2009-02-18T17:49:00.002-05:00

As the song plays over the radio it takes me back to a time when I felt safe. When a mothers loving voice was enough to provide me the peace to know everything was going to be okay. She would whisper softly, "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" and as she finished with, "please don't take my sunshine away", I knew from the slight tremble in the tone of her voice that if anything ever happened to me, her heart would be broken. Every heart break every pain I feel she feels, Every joy every piece of happiness she feels. A mother's love will never be forgotten, will never go unappreciated, will never disappear. As the young boy you created turns into the man you hoped he'd become, he realizes those words you said, the feelings you have are so much more, a teaching, a lesson in life, an expression of HIS love. Thank You.

The Calling

2009-02-15T00:12:00.002-05:00

I was lost and you found me. I was laying here in abandonment and you picked me up and carried me. You opened my eyes, opened my eyes to you, to the simpleness, to the truth. You call me to a far away land to a place I don't understand. You engage me into simple conversation, because you care, because each life matters. Why is it the more I see you the more I love her? Make less of me in order to make more of you and complete what you have designed. I may not understand the path set forth, but I do understand the outcome, with this I am okay. I will be okay.

Love is Blind

2009-02-13T21:18:00.003-05:00

Love is blind. A statement often said but rarely understood. Its been so long since I have seen clearly, even now writing these words I can't help but think of you. My mind takes me back next to you with my fingers running through your hair and down your arm till my hand grasps yours. It takes me back to the feeling of our lips meeting, the look in your eyes when you saw me, really saw me. My blindness refuses to see, it refuses to surrender. Its time for healing, time to move on, time to fix what been broken to long. Peal away the scab, the scar has set, open your eyes its time to see.

Will I

2009-02-01T23:57:00.003-05:00

I wander into the future, I ponder on its possibilities. I reflect on the past the good times, the fun times, the heart aches, the low points. A question comes to mind, was I really known? Did these people around me really understand what drove me, where my passion lay? In a world of limitless possibility, will I rise to become what I am, will I break the cycle of norm and step onto the path less traveled, will I arise to pursue my destiny?

Forgetting in order to Remember

2009-01-23T16:28:00.003-05:00

The boy walks through the crowded terminal looking around hoping to find you, hoping you changed your mind, hoping that the pain felt before could be resolved with just one look, one touch, one action that shows you really care, that would erase all the pain. Much like that hot day in July, your not there. Did you really ever love me? Pain, the hurt inside, the ache that makes the nights restless. Hope, the feeling of knowing this isn't it, that there is more. Why is it that we must experience pain to truly comprehend hope? I must give up these memories to remember a destiny, my destiny.

Desiring more

2009-01-18T00:32:00.003-05:00

They take shape as they form the contour of the skin and roll down each check emerging from the eyes that were once blind, but are now opened. The road has been so long, so confusing, it has been filled with much hurt and few joys. It has given glimpses of hope none understood till now. Now it is clear the path chosen is of no coincidence, it is yours just as each strand of hair is unique to you. The end has been revealed you have found your way home because you chose to live, you chose to live to make a difference to be used to give what is not from you but apart of you. To desire more, more, more.....

Starting Over Again

2009-01-05T15:59:00.002-05:00

I sit at the table and peer out the window as I try to wrap the words that flow out of the speaker around in my mind. Rain begins to fall in a city I once knew, a city I once grew in. But now things have changed and its time to depart on another journey, time to start over again, just me and you. You whisper me words of encouragement, "you don't know what lies ahead for tomorrow, or the next day, so cherish each day, each hour, each moment. Love as I loved, give yourself as I gave and feel my joy come alive inside you.

Moments of Simplicity

2008-12-31T10:07:00.000-05:00

The sunset on a brisk evening painted so clearly by the thin layer of cloud that surrounds it, outlined by the rainforest that pushes up towards the sky and beyond it. It puts the mind at ease, it relaxes the heart and brings you back to a time, a moment of simplicity, a feeling of peace, like laying next to a loved one one encompassed with comfort and content. Can anyone else see it?

Because of Him

2008-11-15T20:21:00.002-05:00

I write when thought is provoked, when feelings are so strong they must be expressed. My words have been freed from their bondage. They now must explode out onto the paper, for what they have to say is true. Behind each story, each description, each observation is the action from the one above. His power exceeds all my expectations, his love fulfills my life. He encourages when I am weak, he provides when I am empty. Life without him is not life at all. Because of him I live, I love. May my life bring glory to God!

Just Enjoy the Moment

2008-10-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

Wrapped in comfort the cool October breeze slips through the cracked window as the soft melody plays reminding you of a time of peace. A time when life seemed easy, a time when her hand so softly ran down your back, a time of enjoyment. As the song continues to play you become the cool nights breeze and spread across the room and out into reality. You find your way into lives that matter, to become your purpose, to allow those to hear the music and experience the joy, the peace.

Deep Inside

2008-10-25T20:18:00.000-04:00

Its there again, the pain. It starts in the center of my chest and spreads across my body. A sharp discomfort that turns into a long lingering throb. I take a deep breath hoping it lasts long enough to prolong the returning pain. It's deep, like a cancer eating away at me. No one knows where it comes from or why its here, many hypothesis on how to treat it, but none have succeeded. As the song continues it slips away, till next time.

Unraveling the Unchanged Heart

2008-10-09T19:04:00.000-04:00

My mind is a battlefield it searches for meaning it searches for truth, for understanding, and most of all for its passion. The answers are unclear and the writing is vague. Although the search feels helpless at times comfort is found. Your image, your beautiful face appears and my heart is filled. This love can not be described. Many times words want to be spoken but fear and pride silence them. Although struggles occur, my love for you never changes, it never has since the night I told you.

Retrospect

2008-10-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

It ends with my return home that night. Driving down the road the leftover rain spiderwebs down the front windshield. I step out and touch the wet pavement with my bare feet as I approach my car. As I lay on the couch I watch the late afternoon showers fall from the sky and mix with the sea breeze creating the feeling of serenity. The movie on the screen opens my mind, it reveals life's search for answers where answers can not be found, but are given. The guitar chords are strummed as two friends exchange words, advice, understanding for each struggle. The mid afternoon sun beats down on my striped body as the ground rumbles with each stride taken. Only one more mile left before I am congratulated with a high-five of encouragement. There is no beginning without an end, the end is the beginning that can't be discovered until the end is reached.

The Door Home

2008-10-02T16:58:00.000-04:00

The door opens I look around the table and see all the smiling faces, the faces look so so familiar, yet I have never seen them before. I am finally home, this wandering spirit has finally found his way home. The door opens again this time its you. Your beautiful eyes, your beautiful smile. Your arms wrap around me, you say hi without saying a word. You are my best friend, my true companion, my beautiful sunset, the one who will be there till I can go home.

Eyes of Beauty

2008-09-30T22:45:00.000-04:00

In a world of utter confusion you were always there. I can listen to the words of the song and feel the comfort of the soft melody, I can see your eyes looking out towards me. They awe me with beauty like if it was seen for the first time, they erase my fears and shine out a light of joy, they allow me to lead, they allow me to fail. Oh how I have caused you so much pain, how I have caused tears to fall from those beautiful eyes. You have never left me, you are always there, your faithfulness amazes me.

A Mid Afternoon Reflection

2008-09-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

Leave behind this lonely town, your better then this, its not worth being so down. Go ahead set yourself free. "The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is know by God." When you finally get there, when you finally get home, it feels so good, so good to not be alone. Just remember you must tend to it, for it to really grow. As you look around outside this garden you see a land full of broken friendships and it reminds you, You have survived.

Answer Me

2008-09-22T22:23:00.000-04:00

Drip by drip the rain spills on the hardened cement, my eyes begin to get heavy as I peer out the window. Please don't leave me now, I am to weak to carry on. As the rain picks up the days burden presses down on my shoulders, how much more can I hold. Please keep holding on to me I plea. His response is clear, "For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedom."

The Path Less Traveled

2008-09-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

Do you have it in you, to conquer fear, to stop believing what they tell you, or are you just going to live in it. I had to lose everything/everyone, to understand that I don't need it, only now I can tell. I believe that your not just conjured up, I know it, I feel it. You make it dry when its raining outside, you warm my blood when the temperature dies, Your my crutch when it's all to hard to bear. Without you here I could not be anywhere.

A Memory in the Wind

2008-09-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

An eclectic mix of people crowd around the pavilion. I see her on the outskirts, she leans against the stone building, the sun illuminates her skin as the wind brushes softly against the cotton skirt she wears. She reminds me of the past, a past relationship, a past adventure, a night when the stars never looked so clear. What was once crowded is now empty. I sit and enjoy the day as the wind shakes the leaves of the trees, I sit and listen, I observe, and now I move on.

Stop Don't Let It Pass By

2008-09-18T21:30:00.001-04:00

Each day each moment has its meaning, stop and listen. The dust accumulates on the baseboard as they move behind the counter supplying the demand that has been established. The tiles are cracked and the walls an erie mustard yellow. I have come here to listen, yet my pen is called to write in hopes that this moment may not be lost. As ordinary as this moment appears from the outside it carries a peace that eases its way through my body, it tip toes its way into my soul to say, this is it. It is this simple.

Complications of Simplicity

2008-09-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

The confusion has once again set in. I sit here and ponder how this has once again happened. The winds of freedom have left me, I am enslaved to my own body. The spiral has a downward decent leading to destruction and unhappiness. The impatience of not knowing is what has taken me here, life's simple plan doesn't feel so simple anymore. As much as I want it to, enlightenment can not be forced, but comes with patience and obedience to the one who knows. Let me trust in your plan, let your wings of freedom lift me up, break away these chains of bondage, allow me to live the simple life again.

Where I am Free

2008-08-22T13:08:00.000-04:00

I close my eyes. I find myself on top of a great mountain, I walk to its furtherest edge and look outward. This is my peace, my solitude, here is where I wait to be spoken to. I can feel it, he's all around me. I reach out the peace falls down onto my outstretched arms. I open my eyes, I am back in bed now.

Trying to Understand

2008-08-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

My heart speaks and says, "I believe I am falling in love with you forever." My mind questions my heart and says, "Is this love permanent or a temporary feeling? and what is the difference?" As a person I am constantly changing, even when I think I am satisfied with who I am or where I am at, I am still changing. Change reveals that I am not perfect. Therefore for me to express a permanent love, seems impossible. I must learn to accept my imperfections and seek the one who has never changed, the only one who can give the purest form of love, a permanent love.

Making a Decision

2008-08-10T19:28:00.000-04:00

The pounding of the drums continues, its my heart beating ever so loudly. I am not going to waste this time, this light that burns will keep on fading, I am not going to jump off this ride, I'll hold on so I feel alive. I used to ask myself if you missed me where you are, I used to make plans to be with you. I had to figure out what to do because all of this became unglued. Now that the nights are finally getting warm again, since I let you go, you reappear into my life and I let you in. Everything you are saying sounds so right tonight. The waves are crashing on and on, these forces are driving me to test the speed of light, Are we right?

An Answer

2008-08-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

The wedding begins, I watch intently. As I sit in the back pew of the church I can't help but think of you. It was always you. I picture you as you approach me, walking down the narrow isle. Our eyes meet, a gaze that can't be broken. You wink, it causes my soul to smile. It has always been you and this I know with all my heart, his words from above whisper down and have given me the answer.

Reunited

2008-08-08T22:57:00.000-04:00

A firm grip a quick hug, I arrive, they rise. Years have passed, but we reunite as if gone for just a week. Nothing has changed, yet everything has. I am home, if i can even call it that anymore. I've been gone for so long. The streets have changed, the house I once entered everyday now has a new door, a new occupant. I rise from the table in the corner, as I pull out my chair I survey the room. I search for the words, I begin to feel my voice tremble as I speak I try to capture this moment of time and reunite it with the past before it leaves us as life does, passing us by without warning.

The Peaceful Warrior

2008-08-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

In the back room past the young girl humming the tune as she strokes so gently the keys on the piano, lies the peaceful warrior. He is called a peaceful warrior because the battles he fights are found on the inside. Knowing he was created for more, he searches for significance, while battling his inward addictions. He ceases to give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does.

Life Carries On

2008-08-02T21:34:00.000-04:00

A young woman's husband is gunned down outside his home for no reason. She is left alone to work 3 jobs in order to raise her 3 young boys. She will never again be able to return to the house her husband built. An old man lies in a hospital bed after suffering a massive stroke. Not only one month prior the same stroke took his wife's life, he doesn't know if he has any strength left or if he even wants to live anymore. A young girl with her life's story painted down her arm leaves the parking garage, she slips her sunglasses on to cover the tears that leave her eyes. This is life it is all around us, why must it cause us to grieve?

Listen Closely

2008-08-01T17:41:00.000-04:00

I sit alone at the table and look out the window, the sun beats down on the pavement as the cars storm by not missing a beat to the song played over the coffee shop speakers... The way you laugh, the way you cry, the way that you smile without meaning to. The way you look me in the eye, I think about it all the time. The night we met the words we exchanged, you didn't know I was watching you, waiting for an excuse to approach you. Your eyes have always felt so familiar, those of an angels. I think about it all the time. It wasn't supposed to happen this way, I shouldn't be writing these words, you shouldn't be reading them over and over each day, but I just can't keep my mind off you no matter how hard I try. Your not a thought that comes and goes, your more then a dream or fantasy. Where will it lead? Love only knows. But I think about it all the time. This wasn't supposed to happen this way, Im just a man, a man that is desperately in love with you.

Sin and Her Deceptive Ways

2008-07-29T18:01:00.000-04:00

How does it happen? Why does it bring us down? Why does she grip us so tightly, suffocating my every breath, closing the walls in around me, deceiving me into acting on what I know is not right. Sin is like a thief in the night, she breaks into your life and robs you of your freedom without warning. She's like a parasite that borrows into your flesh, you often forget that she's there, but every now and then she comes to the surface to feed, to suck the life out of you. Years ago the sin entered, she deceived me making me think that she was something special, something that I needed. She provided me with this feeling of euphoria, that was always short lived. She knew when I am weak, she knows when I am frustrated, she whispers every so softly and touches me gently, she stole from me. I can not retrieve what has been lost. I am only left with a choice, each action made will either feed or fight this sin. The decision is easy, she must be destroyed.

Just Love Her

2008-07-26T00:04:00.000-04:00

What is Love? An intense closeness, really sharing things with someone, hard things, silly things. Knowing what is important to the other person, loving that person more then yourself, being happy simply because they are happy. Their outward smile causes you to smile inward. A sacrifice to them is not a sacrifice at all but a gift that is enjoyed by you when given. Love is to know everything about them, to share their struggles, their pain, their joy. Love is wanting to spend the last day of your life with them. It is all said in the complicated, overused, yet simple phrase, "I love you." I loved you from the first day I met you, I love you because you taught me what love is, you taught me how to love, you taught me that I don't have to be afraid of love. Not even death can put an end to Love.

Only at the Movies

2008-07-23T01:08:00.000-04:00

I look to my right, there she is. Her deep brown eyes stare up into mine, the kind of stare that comforts, that would captivate any young mans heart. Her arm brushes against mine, I draw closer. She leans in to whisper, she speaks with a voice unmatched in its beauty and I reply. She smiles. A guy like me a girl like her it would never work out, but just for this moment if only for a second in time there is no where else I would rather be.

Travelers

2008-07-21T23:18:00.000-04:00

They pile in with their bags and blankets. The seven have come a long way, each from a different place, each with a different past, but all sharing the same purpose. These brave young souls have come to share a message, they are here to refute those who have told you, "this is the way you are", those so called friends that say, "give in cause this is the way you are there can be no change." Their stay is brief, they must make haste, the world is waiting. People are waiting to hear the truth, Lives will be changed.

Late One Night

2008-07-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

Down a lonely street late at night or early in the morning depending on how you look at it, lies a place half covered, half facing the moon. In this place music surrounds you. Amidst the music you can find her, a girl dancing. The dancing brings her to life, with each move, each turn, her long blonde hair illuminates the room, her soft brown eyes call out to you. She is dancing with no one, yet she is dancing with everyone. The music captures her heart and spreads it to all around her, it is her passion, her love, it is what takes the pain away.

Baptism

2008-07-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

My head goes under, the ocean cradles my body and controls my descent to the bottom. I open my eyes. A single ray of light seeps through calling me to the surface, taking me away from all the darkness, all the confusion. As my head resurfaces the light expands the air shoots through my lungs, bringing me to life. It feels like the very first breath. As I approach the beach my heart plans my course, but the Lord determines my every step.

Danielle

2008-07-18T05:51:00.000-04:00

She is found above watching us, the clouds are her playground. Her stay was brief, but her joy is endless, her smile will never be forgotten. Although I have never met her she is a part of me a part of my family. I await the day I return home to see her, the day she gives me a hug for the first time. Today is her day, and will always be. My sister, My little angel.

The Life Chosen

2008-07-13T19:46:00.000-04:00

It starts by her saying, "I'm sorry," he says, "I'm scared." Is it harder to be with the one you don't love, or to be without the one you do? The words said to you that evening will never be taken back. Regret is to not give fully because of fear of what you might miss out on, to feel like it feels like to not feel at all, to turn extraordinary things into ordinary situations. Love exists to draw us towards God, turning an ordinary life into an extraordinary one. Thank you for what you have done in my life Lord.

Driving Through the Rain

2008-07-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

Back and Forth, Back and Forth the wipers clear the rain, they wipe away the tears as I press forward to a new life, to new experiences. What lies ahead I am unsure. The clouds begin to part, light slips in. The majesty turns a light gray, the color of a healing heart. In a few minutes the sky will be clear, the show will begin, life will resume. The memories of the past have now begun to fade, a slow fade like the rain.

Meaning of the Morning

2008-07-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

His eye peers through the clouds and warms the water, his breath moves the branches of the trees, he awakens the sleeping city. Another day has been given, none like before. A fresh start a new beginning. Like the water and trees I once was cold and stiff, dead in my transgressions and sins, but because of his great love for me, I was given a new life a new day.

Divine Interventions Do Exist

2008-07-06T22:59:00.000-04:00

Rain drips of the pavilion, she opens her car door and walks immediately to the guy at the far table. She sits down and knows something is not the same. She looks into his eyes, the first glance to make sure he is Ok, the next look portrays a long fought struggle she thought was long over. There is silence as the cars pass by through the busy intersection. "Your making it hard", she says. "I waited two years, what's gone by two weeks?" She puts out her cigarette and walks away just as fast as she appeared. I feel a tug, its at my heart, an all to familiar feeling. I know it hurts I know it doesn't make sense, If you let me I will listen, understand, and point you to the one who can heal. He's been waiting, you have been away far to long.

How I'd Like to Hate You

2008-07-03T17:28:00.000-04:00

I hate you for giving up when you said you never would, I hate you for saying the things you said when you didn't mean them. I hate you for stealing the words from my heart right now as I speak and not letting me see yours in return. Most of all I hate you for not listening to your heart. As I say these things and try to hate you to make it easier... I just can't.